Getting Over Relationship Insecurity | HuffPost Life
Apr 11, Feeling insecure is bound to be a part of any new relationship: Insecurities about whether or not someone will like you, whether they'll. Dec 8, The trouble with insecurities in relationships is that it starts to affect both people in the couple. Those of us who enter a relationship feeling. Feeling insecure in your relationship can be really painful and upsetting. It can manifest itself in all kinds of ways. You might feel like your partner is about to.
We can do this by taking two steps 1. Uncovering the real roots of our insecurity and 2. Challenging the inner critic that sabotages our relationship. Where does our insecurity come from? Nothing awakens distant hurts like a close relationship. Our relationships stir up old feelings from our past more than anything else.
Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships
Our brains are even flooded with the same neurochemical in both situations. We all have working models for relationships that were formed in our early attachments to influential caretakers. Whatever our early pattern was shapes our adult relationships, a subject I address in more detail in the blog " How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship.
A secure attachment pattern helps a person to be more confident and self-possessed. However, when someone has an anxious or preoccupied attachment style, they may be more likely to feel insecure toward their partner. Knowing our attachment style is beneficial, because it can help us to realize ways we may be recreating a dynamic from our past.
It can help us to choose better partners and form healthier relationships, which can actually, in turn, change our attachment style. Finally, it can make us more aware of how our feelings of insecurity may be misplaced, based on something old as opposed to our current situation. Our insecurities can further stem from a " critical inner voice " that we've internalized based on negative programming from our past.
If we had a parent who hated themselves, for example, or who directed critical attitudes toward us, we tend to internalize this point of view and carry it with us like a cruel coach inside our heads.
This inner critic tends to be very vocal about the things that really matter to us, like our relationships. Take the example of my friend, mentioned above. First the critical inner voice fueled doubts about his girlfriend's interest in him, then it turned on him.
The second he perceived the situation through the filter of his critical inner voice, which told him his girlfriend was pulling away, his mind flooded with terrible thoughts toward himself.
One minute, he was just fine. The next minute, he was listening to an inner voice telling him all the ways he couldn't measure up, that he was being rejected. Relationships shake us up. They challenge core feelings we have about ourselves and evict us from long-lived-in comfort zones.
They tend to turn up the volume of our inner voice and reopen unresolved wounds from our past. If we felt abandoned as a child, the aloof behavior of a romantic partner won't just feel like a current frustration.
It has the potential to send us back into the emotional state of a terrified child, who needed our parent for survival. As hard as it may feel to connect our contemporary reactions with beliefs, attitudes and experiences from our early lives, it is an invaluable tool for getting to know ourselves, and ultimately, for challenging behaviors that don't serve us or even fit with our real, adult life.
How to Deal With Relationship Insecurity In order to challenge our insecurity, we have to first get to know our critical inner voice. We should try to catch it each and every time is creeps into our minds. Sometimes, it may be easy.
We're getting dressed to go out on a date, and it screeches, "You look awful! Just cover yourself up. He'll never be attracted to you. Don't invest or show her how you feel, and you won't get hurt. He's probably cheating on you! Here you can learn specific steps you can take to conquer this inner critic and keep it from infiltrating your love life. As we start to challenge these negative attitudes toward ourselves, we must also make an effort to take actions that go against the directives of our critical inner voice.
In terms of a relationship, that means not acting out based on unwarranted insecurities or acting in any ways we don't respect. Here are some helpful steps to take: It's crucial to keep a sense of ourselves separate from our partner.
Daniel Siegel has said, the goal for a relationship should be to make a fruit salad and not a smoothie. In other words, we shouldn't forego essential parts of who we are in order to become merged into a couple. Instead, each of us should work to maintain the unique aspects of ourselves that attracted us to each other in the first place, even as we move closer.
In this way, each of us can hold strong, knowing that we are a whole person in and of ourselves. Don't act out no matter how anxious you are. They'll imagine the bored look on an air steward's face to be barely concealed terror because, "He must know something we don't! They scare themselves by assuming what they imagine represents reality.
There are normal 'mechanisms' to any relationship. There are ebbs and flows and mood changes, moments of intimacy and closeness and comfortable spaces. These ebbs and flows are normal. Wanting to be absolutely close and intimate all the time is like wanting an aeroplane to never make a sound or a movement. Next time you feel insecure, ask yourself what it is you are imagining.
Write it down on paper under, 'Stuff I am making up in my head. Which neatly links to Save 2 Avoid the Certainty Trap Overcoming relationship insecurity is partly about becoming less controlling. This may sound strange, but feeling that: A sign of insecurity in relationships is when the desire for certainty becomes too strong.
Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships
Having to know whether your partner really loves you, having to know this or having to know that puts a lot of unnecessary strain and tension into the relationship. The fact is, we all have to live with uncertainty. Insecure people can still feel insecure even when they are told they are loved.
Wanting what is not possible complete and utter certainty in all and everything forever is not possible because imagination can still make up doubts. So stop looking for certainty where it doesn't apply. Self-assurance comes from starting to relax with uncertainty. Wanting to know for certain that someone will be with you forever prevents you enjoying the here and now.
Nothing in life is certain. Your relationship needs room to breathe. Schedule in some 'separate time' and just see it for what it is. The developing flower needing space to grow isn't a sign that it is heading for collapse. If they say one thing don't assume they mean another. If they say nothing don't assume that their silence is significant, either.
Many men relax by not talking. Constantly wondering and asking what someone is thinking is a dead end because even if they do tell, will you believe them anyway? When you stop doing it, you really begin to respect someone's privacy because everyone deserves the right to have space to think their own thoughts.
Constantly asking, "What are you thinking? Some people do this with whole relationships. Because they were in a relationship with someone who was abusive, very critical or dishonest, or who left them, they respond to a new partner defensively or angrily when, in fact, the new partner is not really like the old one at all. The extreme form of this 'sloppy comparison' can lead to destructive over-generalizations such as, "All men are lying bastards! Write next to this list all the ways your current partner is different and review this list regularly.
This will help you to stop assuming that the future has to be like the past. Seek self-assurance Rather than always looking to the other person to make you feel secure in your relationship, get into the habit of reassuring yourself.
Start to challenge your own fears and imaginings rather than just accepting them. What real evidence is there for this fear? And even if this relationship did end, I'm strong enough to go through it and ride it and will have learnt things from it.
What we fear will be 'the end of the world' if it happens never really is. Sit down, close your eyes, and strongly imagine feeling relaxed and secure around your partner. This will train your brain to feel that "whatever happens, I'll be okay.
Insecure people look for signs of what's not working. I want you to look for signs of what is. Doing this will get you and your partner feeling naturally more positive. No meaningful relationship will always totally work all the time. Being too black or white about relationships spells trouble.