5 Things You Learn When A Relationship Ends Before It Really Starts | Thought Catalog
A fling isn't a relationship at all. It's not meant to even develop into a relationship. It more like a one night stand except a fling can last for days. Short term. Ending a relationship, even a short-term relationship, can be difficult. Sometimes it is very clear from the beginning of the relationship that the relationship is not. If your goal is just to have a companion or spend some (limited) time with someone you care about, a relationship with an expiration date can.
We both know it will probably end in about six months from now, due to a long-distance move. I feel that there's a multitude of things I can experiment with here, due to the short-term nature of the non? But what are those things? I know that each relationship is different, but what are the general rules of such relationships, anyway? How am I supposed to be in love, without falling in love?
What can I do to make the most of the time we have left? Sure, I'm probably wasting my time in a dead-end relationship. But never mind that. By experimentation, I don't necessarily mean sexual experimentation. Although I'm open to that, too. The sex life has been great so far, because my inhibitions are gone no future for us!
No, you will not go to sleep. I'm having my turn. So far, I've learnt to be more assertive, because I don't think, "Oh, shit. Did I do something wrong? What if we break up? At the same time, I don't want to come off as a selfish jerk.
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In the future, I'd like both of us to look back at this time and think, Ah, those six months were fantastic. Hivemind, tell me how to behave in this sort of thing! Expiration dating is always tough. I would recommend that you do your best to remain considerate of the other person's feelings, regardless of the fact that your relationship has a clear end date.
It's nice to know that you aren't likely to weird someone out in a way that will alienate them forever and if so, you've got a healthy dose of 'so what? I tried to do the same thing with a wonderful girl when I was graduating and moving to China and she was still in school and it turned into a giant crazy fun heartbreaking clusterfuck. You need to figure out if you would be better off ending things now then setting yourselves up for heartbreak down the road.
That's not going to make your partner remember you fondly Do a lot of fun things together. Make the most of that time.
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A shorter time limit doesn't mean your partner deserves to be treated any differently. It's nice that you don't feel as inhibited, but don't burn your bridges. You may also want to discuss the terms of your relationship with said partner just in case one of you decides to dispense with your inhibitions with somebody else during this period, and the other of you is not aware that was okay.
Nothing will demonstrate its ubiquity more than a transient love affair. You know, friends with benefits? Did I do something wrong It's healthy but as you know, not always easy to be assertive.
I knew up front and I told her on day one that I didn't want a long-term relationship. I recently ended it reasons explained below but I'm still having some strong emotional reactions. The question isn't about our compatibility, I'm mainly curious if others have had similar experiences. To get it out of the way, I already see a therapist and our next appointment is in a few days.
Before this relationship, I had gone through another really short-term relationship with someone else I had met on Tinder that ended up being REALLY great in the communication department but she was polyamorous and I am a serial monogamist and we were not going for anything other than sex and hanging out.
I came out of that feeling really great about open communication, since it has been such a problem in my past. Fast forward to meeting this woman, who shared a lot of interests and is an intelligent and well-organized person.
She hadn't been very experienced in dating but had long-term relationships in the past and I've been dating off and on for the last year and a half or so. She acknowledged the fact that I wasn't looking for a long-term relationship but she often talked about how much she liked me and enjoyed spending time with me. I ALSO enjoyed spending time with her. But I wasn't able to meet her on her level of enthusiasm.
Over the last week of the relationship I couldn't shake the feeling that I was letting things progress towards a long-term settling-in period and not honoring my original intentions. I had failed to be open with communication because going through the motions just felt easier. The only issue was that I wasn't feeling an urgent physical attraction. I realized that I wasn't being fair to her and decided that even though I so looked forward to spending time together, it really meant that I was more interested in being great friends.
MeFi answers I had read from the past would at this point agree that this was more of a good friendship and not a relationship. I asked to meet and went over to her place and told her what was on my mind.
The thing was that I started crying I was already torn up thinking about what I needed to do out of fairness to her. But it was so very difficult to keep composure. Her reaction wasn't as strong as I guess I expected. She was sad and she said that she couldn't be around me and not want to be with me. I told her I wanted to date others and she said me she wouldn't be interested in being around for that.
None of it was antagonistic or defensive. She told me to tell her if I changed my mind.
3 Ways to End a Short Term Relationship - wikiHow
I think there is room to be friends but it will take some time. We both cried and hugged and then I left. I really do think she's a great person. But going back to my reaction. Is this some kind of PTSD signal?
It felt like a mix of disappointment in myself for not honoring open communication and essentially leading her on, which I explicitly said I didn't want to do, and really stressed about hurting someone else the way I had been hurt before. I don't feel like I'm a bad person but I feel like my mistake is dragging me down further than it should.
I'm terrified that all my relationships have just been veiled friendships and that I don't even really know what love is or what it feels like and may never feel it. I know I made the right decision to end it, that isn't the question. Help me figure out if my reaction was "normal" or if you had any similar experience with a hidden explanation that you discovered from it. Normally there's something we could have done better. But it doesn't sound like you led her on unreasonably - you recognized a problem, thought about it and about the ramifications, and then acted on it.
When you acted on it, you were thoughtful and kind. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a bit of space to heal. You did what you needed to do.
You probably feel bad because you miss her. It sounds like she was up for a long term relationship or a short term relationship where you were focused on each other, but not a friendship.
It sounds like you were up for a short term relationship where you dated others, or a friendship. It sucks that there was no peg that fit each others' holes, so to speak, but such is life. Maybe you'll revisit and actually be friends, but don't do it now. I think you handled it decently. There is no other way to do it. I think if you know how you feel not wanting a LTR with the personit's better to do this immediately, say within a week or so: It gets wrong when one person doesn't want a serious relationship and senses the other person might, but doesn't bring it up so as not to spoil the punch.
Other than that, it's again, fine. I think you should not take someone's level of enthusiasm as an indicator of how strongly they will hold on, or how deeply they will be hurt, if you don't want the same things. Seems like things were pretty positive on both sides, and nobody has anything to feel bad about. Why introduce her to your friends?
5 Things You Learn When A Relationship Ends Before It Really Starts
I think you were emotional at the end because you hadn't made good boundaries and by going through the motions you let both you and her believe something else might be on the horizon.
You can't have all the comforts of a building long term relationship inside of a short term situation. This seems pretty normal following a breakup. Especially one where nobody's behaving very badly and everyone likes each other but it just doesn't quite work out. It seems like the only thing you could have stood to do better is to create stronger boundaries when you don't want a long-term relationship. Don't introduce the person to all your friends.
Don't spend all your time together. Use the pattern of the short-term relationship that went well: If the other person is the one pushing for more, that's when you might have to cut things off. Honestly it sounds like this time you were not so sure of the short-term preference yourself.
It's okay to take time to make sure of your feelings. You don't have to break up with someone the exact nanosecond you think of it, in order to be a good person. This on the other hand seems very specific to you, and is something you should probably explore. It's unclear whether you haven't felt strong physical desire ever, for anyone, or if you haven't felt it for anyone you've dated but have for people you HAVEN'T datedor whether you have felt it for people you've dated but right now you're freaking out and not viewing those relationships objectively.
But either way you could benefit from talking with someone yes, it's the ol' MeFi Therapist Recommendation. Tears are usually about releasing, not necessarily sadness. Feelings are powerful, as you just found out. If you are used to stuffing your feelings down, then this first experience of being open about difficult feelings is appropriate. You're experiencing these emotions because you've done a lot of emotional work with her, intermingling firends, etc. I think this should just be a good lesson for you, to either realize you might not want something short term, or that if you want to keep things short term you should strengthen your boundaries posted by FirstMateKate at You definitely did do the right thing here because you're not sure what you want out of your dating experiences.
But I do think you should take some time to really think about what you actually want even though it may be hard to find. If I were single I would be very confused by you. You want a relationship, but not a long term one? What does that mean?
Does that mean you want some kind of attachment or arrangement that has an expiration date? Or does it just mean you don't want to be married? You also say you're not into polyamory. I think you need to listen to yourself here - it sounds like you confused yourself!
There is something you wanted that you did not get and you are upset about it. Be clearer upfront about where the lines are.
Also forgive yourself for your desires. They may not be fair but they exist. If you think that the relationship that you are pining for is not fair to the other person, consider examining those desires like a scientist.
What are you afraid of? How can you work past those fears to getting the connection you really want? The things that signaled to you that you should end the relationship with this great woman was that a you have some preconceived notion that you don't want a serious relationship and b you enjoyed her company at greater depths than just wanting to bang her brains out "no urgent physical attraction". Did you have any physical attraction at all?
Any physical connection at all? Did you like it? Did it go well? Out of curiosity, do you have any understanding of the difference between love and lust?