Dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship

This Is What The Aftermath Of An Abusive Relationship Looks Like | Thought Catalog

dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship

You have to unlearn your unhealthy coping strategies. Everyone who hasn't lived through an abusive relationship has answers—and. Any abuse can leave a nasty, emotional (possibly physical) scar. Understanding abuse and it's outcomes can help spread awareness and how to help abuse. Dealing with the aftermath of abuse can be a very challenging experience, especially on your mind and heart. The emotional scars of domestic.

The emotion expressed over this unfairness is not consistent, however. Where some authors are angry, others feel hopeless or frustrated.

dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship

The main difference between whether people end up feeling hopeless or angry seems to come down to whether they end up blaming themselves for what is happening, or their abusers, and also to a lesser extent on how much control they feel they have over their situations. People can become angry regardless of whether they feel they have control or not, but it is easier and safer to feel angry when people feel that they have a little control versus when they feel they have no control.

Being able to feel angry about being abused is, in general, a good thing. Anger has the capability of acting as a motivating force. Anger's ability to motivate is never stronger than situations in which people feel they have been put down unjustly and that they have a right to take action to correct their situation.

So here is another step in the evolution of understanding what it is to be a victim. When you identify yourself as an undeserved victim, you may start to feel angry about your situation, and that anger can become and often does become the rocket fuel you need to get yourself out of a terrible abuse situation.

Here is a case where seeing yourself as a victim can have a positive outcome.

After the Abuse Has Ended

Anger as rocket fuel. I like that analogy, because though anger can fuel someone's escape if that anger is properly channeled, it is always a potentially dangerous thing as well.

dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship

If handled poorly, the same anger that can motivate someone to leave a dangerous relationship can also cause that person to attack the person who has abused them, increasing the chances that they are harmed, and making that relationship ever more volatile and dangerous. It doesn't help abuse victims much if they attack their abuser directly.

Legal complications may occur as well and it is not always the abuser who goes to jail sometimes the police get it wrong and the abuse victim goes to jail! Better to use anger as a motivation to simply leave the relationship. Perhaps simple is the wrong word. It is seldom a simple thing to leave a relationship. Sometimes it needs to be done, however.

Effects of Emotional Abuse - Emotional Abuse Symptoms video

Letting the anger go The third step, which cannot readily be accomplished until after one has become free of the abusive situation, is to let the victim identity go, and with it, the need to be angry. Becoming a victim - identifying one's self as a victim - is a true achievement for many abuse victims. It is an achievement of personal independence to realize that you are not simply an extension of someone else; not there to be a punching bag, but rather that you are an independent person who is entitled to be treated decently by others.

The anger that comes from such awareness helps to motivate the courage to escape. It is not a good thing, however, to live your life angry all the time. Prolonged anger is literally bad for your health. Ideally, anger motivates people to leave abusive situations and then resolves so that people don't remain chronically angry. However, it often doesn't work out this way, as we all know.

dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship

Abused people may end up feeling angry about being abused, but still feeling too helpless and scared do something about it. A sort of paralysis can set in and the situation may worsen. Now, not only are people being abused; they are also aware that they are not feeling brave enough to act to save themselves.

Such people become upset with themselves and may start beating up on themselves. Such people end up beaten up from without and from within. Victims that escape abuse may remain chronically angry and self-tortured too. Having extracted themselves from difficult relationships, such people may remain backwards-looking and focused on the fact that they have been abused, continually picking at their scabs, so to speak. It's understandable when this happens, but not a good thing, just the same.

Once anger has propelled you out of an abusive situation, its primary reason for being goes away. To the extent that anger hangs around after abuse is over, it ceases to be useful and simply becomes a mental, physical and social health problem.

dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship

People who spend their time ruminating about past injustices tend not to be happy. And — life is short. It's far better to be happy provided your circumstances warrant a little happiness than to be bitter, and this remains true even if you have ample reason to be bitter. When a person remains identified as an angry victim after having extracted themselves from an abuse situation, they are at that point oppressing themselves.

Abuse memories don't fade easily. Abuse tends to change people — often for the worse. People feel humiliated, taken advantage of, made less than. They may bear physical and emotional scars that will never go away. The emotional impact of abuse memories may or may not fade with time, but no amount of time will erase the knowledge that abuse has occurred. Memory is a one-way street. Stuff goes in, but nothing really gets erased at least until senility sets in. Given that abuse memories persist, it is quite a trick for people to shed their victim identity, lose the angry "rocket fuel" approach to life that has served them well in the past and move on towards becoming happier people.

Some Thoughts About Victimization, Anger And Abuse

Each person experiences abuse differently, and is able to cope with abuse in different ways depending on their circumstances. While one person may suffer greater consequences as a result of abuse than another, there should be no shame involved in how little or much impact is suffered. There is a lot of luck involved when people who have been abused are able to resiliently recover from abuse with few scars. It doesn't happen often, and much of the circumstances that make it possible to accomplish are not directly in the control of those fortunate few.

People have little control over whether they are abused, and little control over how that abuse impacts them. What people do have control over is their choice to seek help, and to make the commitments necessary to help themselves recover. It is by this last yardstick how much people choose to actively work at helping themselves recover rather than passively accepting that they are 'ruined' only that it may appropriate to judge abused people.

Don't Blame Yourself It is important to not blame yourself for having been abused, no matter what the circumstances of your abuse may have been. People tend to blame themselves for 'allowing' abuse to have happened to themselves. They may say things to themselves like, "He hit me because I was stupid and I deserved it", or, "I was a bad child and deserved what I got", or"I'm ugly or a slutthat's why he ignored me or molested me ". Just because you say things like this to yourself doesn't make them true.

Abuse is abuse - it occurs when someone mistreats another person, ignoring their own wishes and dignity.