Meet The Fockers Script taken from a transcript of the screenplay and/or the Ben Stiller movie. Nurse, you're gonna have to deliver that baby yourself. . Focker. He's absorbing you like a sponge. I don't want the first word out of his mouth to be a Oh. Jack, I'm not gonna-- I'm not gonna throw a brick at your window. Meet the Fockers, sometimes referred to as Meet the Parents 2, is a American comedy Set two years after the events of the first film, Gaylord "Greg" Focker (Ben Jack decides to drive the family to Miami to meet the Fockers in his new RV. on TV, and acting funny, but inadvertently teaches him the word " asshole.
You're avoiding confusion by strapping a boob on a man? Well, yes, believe it or not, it is less confusing because of the texture Mom. Uh, I guess it's very, uh, creative. A little birdie told me that one of our guests here is a Tom Collins man. Oh, for pity's sake. Isn't that nice, Jack? I want to make a toast. Now, I had a vasectomy in So, unfortunately, I never had the chance to procreate a daughter, but had I been able to, I really would've wanted a girl as sensitive and as intelligent and as beautiful as this young lady sitting right here before us.
And if I might add I thought you had a sister?
You said you had a sister. You said you milked your sister's cat. Okay, I'm not done yet. What I'm trying to say is, it's taken far too long to do this, you know, but we're finally all together. All right, that's enough. Like you have popcorn stuck in the throat.
I want to say one more thing about my vasectomy. Honey, get yourself over here. You're so cute, they'll forgive you anything. You are the sexiest woman alive I know.
You're just trying to get me back into bed. This is a delicious Tom Collins. What I did, I used real lemon juice. It's from our trees here. He was squeezing all afternoon. And, Jack, I managed to make some lemon juice, too. Gay, you all right?
Well, I think that Roz and Bernie seem like very nice people. A little off-colour, but very nice. But isn't it wonderful, Jack? After all this build-up, the kids are finally getting married.
I feel so happy. I think he just spoke. Little Jack, were you about to speak? Nope, just a little flatulence. What were you saying, honey? Guys, where are you going? We're checking out Jack's macho-wacho trailer. I want to see that boob. Can I talk to you for a sec? Hey, listen, don't let Moses go in there. They have a cat. Moses is perfectly trained-- Dad, he humps everything that moves. Honey, he's like his father. I never cheated on you. They're not listening to me. They seem to be getting along really well, don't you think?
I kind of feel bad that I worried so much. I'm two weeks late. I'm nauseous, my boobs hurt, and I can smell everything. You're gonna have a baby. Oh, we're gonna have a little baby, a baby.
You realize your father is going to kill me? No, no, no, no, no. He's not gonna find out because we're not going to tell him. He's a human lie detector.
He lives to sniff out stuff like this. We'll get through this weekend, we'll get through tomorrow. And-- and-- and we'll tell them on Sunday before we go. We'll tell them all. I just hate the idea of keeping secrets from your dad.
It's just one little secret. Welcome to the chateau. No wonder they don't want to sleep in our shit box. Look at this place. I-- I don't think the dog is such a good idea. Moses is more of a lover than a fighter.
He's always dreamt of me having a white wedding. You don't know how upset he's gonna be. No, I do know. Dad, I told you to keep him out of the RV. He said he wanted to see the RV. Get that goddamn dog out of here! Jinx, don't do it. I'm gonna save you! The cat can flush? Get out of the way! What the hell are you doing? I got to get my dog! What about my toilet? So much for the protection of our rolling safe house.
Oh, honey, he was trying to save his pet. I mean, what if it was Jinxy who got flushed into a toilet? Jinx has had extensive aquatic training. He would have known exactly what to do in the event of a submersion. Sorry about the trailer, Jack. There's no way we're not telling him this weekend. That's what I was saying.
So, what do you wanna do? I never thought this'd be an issue. I thought we'd be married before we got pregnant. Why don't we move the wedding up to next month? Then we'll tell your dad you got pregnant on the honeymoon. Oh, my God, yeah, that could work. Just follow my lead. Without further ado, my famous Focker Fondue. Come on, dig in. Get it while it's hot.
That is so impressive, Bernie. Did you do that yourself? I love to cook. I can't even fry an egg. I'm amazed he finds the time to cook with such a high-powered legal career.
I wouldn't exactly call-- Uh-oh! Why did you kick me?
I kick-- kicked you because you're being modest and you should tell people that you are a good lawyer, which he is, a- a-and he has fought some really big, important legal battles. Truth is, Jack, when Gay was born, I stopped practicing and became a stay-at-home dad. Oh, believe me, he won a trial or two in his day. Extremely good trial lawyer. A regular Clarence Darrow. So Roz was the primary breadwinner and you didn't have a job? Honey, come on, you could say he had the hardest job.
Oh, he's-- he's just kidding. Why don't we jump into the topic of the hour, hmm, the big Focker-Byrnes wedding. I know we've been talking about a-- a fall wedding Our former housekeeper, Isabel. You know, she has her own catering business now, isn't that great? And-- and I asked her to come and help Bernie in the kitchen this weekend. You didn't tell me she was here. Gay had a monster crush on her when he was a teenager.
I didn't have any monster crush. You didn't tell me about that. Because it's not true. Then I didn't catch you doing baziga to her passport photo when you were, what,? I walk in the door Oh, there's my baby! I-- I haven't seen you in years. I had a boob job. This is, uh, Dina and Jack Byrnes. Nice to meet you, too.
Meet The Fockers Script - transcript from the screenplay and/or Ben Stiller movie
Not yet married, and already a little one? And he is a handsome little Focker. He's not a Focker. And still you stayed to raise her child? No, he's Pam's nephew. He has no connection to Greg whatsoever. I love you, too. Those aren't for you. I think I'll take him inside. You're a very lucky woman, Pam. He's very special, this one.
I think so, too. Oh, I could tell you some stories about him. Oh, she's just being silly. Nice to meet you all. Nice to meet you. Hey, do you guys want some more, uh, wine?
Mas vino por la mama, si. Hey, you did good, Greg. She's very pretty, this one, huh? Yeah, she's, uh, she's really great. Can you believe it's been years?
So many wonderful memories from those days. Yes, lot of wonderful, kind of private memories. Um, no, I don't think I did. I don't, I think, I don't think it ever came up on my end. Not that I didn't want her to know. It just, never really Yeah, and not that, I-- I mean, not that it wasn't great.
It was really, you know, for me it was like And you were so helpful and-- and-- Don't you worry, baby. Your secret's safe with me. But, good, yeah, maybe if we keep it quiet this weekend and then Because, yeah, I don't want Pam to feel uncomfortable.
And then later, when it's the proper, you know, setting, I can Okay, yeah, okay, good. Oh, and fondue, fondue is going-- is goin' over. Gay, you're just in time to hear me tell the gang how you lost your virginity to Isabel. You s-slept with Isabel?
Why-- why would you, why-- why would you bring that up? It was, what, years ago. Honey, your father thought that it'd be fun to share stories about our first time.Meet the Fockers - Little Jack's First Word
That sounds like fun. Come on, tell us how you popped your cherry.
Meet the Fockers - Wikipedia
I really don't feel comfortable discussing that with you, Bernard. I suggest that we get back to talking about the wedding. Mom, didn't you just take Little Jack back to the room? I'm monitoring him from a high-powered multidirectional microphone planted in his crib.
Whatever happened to a little thing called privacy? Bernie, surveillance technology has helped protect a lot of the freedoms that we as Americans take advantage of today. It has been good. S- son, that is bullcrap in a chef's salad. The Central Lack of Intelligence Agency. I think that baby might need a couple of pulls on that knocker of yours, Jack. You let him cry it out. This way he doesn't depend on coddling. On the other hand, the Continuum Concept shows that a baby benefits more from constant physical contact.
We use the Ferber Method. We used the Focker Method. We hugged and kissed that little prince like there was no tomorrow. Greggy practically slept in our bed till he was. Oh, I don't think it was quite that long. Mom, I don't think so. I didn't sleep in their bed all that time. Bernie, get the photo album. I'm one step ahead of you. No, no, no, we're eating dinner, come on. These are the curls from his first trip to the barbershop. Nobody wants to see this. Oh, and you kept all of his baby teeth.
Look at his darling little teeth, isn't that sweet? Uh-oh, somebody looks very grumpy there. Oh, that's Gay with the mohel. He's the man who snips the baby's little winkydink. See, that's Greg getting circumcised, right here. We had the ceremony at my parents' house but there was a cold snap and The heater conked out. No matter how hard he tried, the mohel couldn't coax Greg's tiny little turtle from its shell. Let's not talk about the tiny turtle, okay? Honey, half the people at this table have penises.
Make a long story short, Jack, he wound up with a semicirc. I can't wait to hear this. It's a cross between an ant eater and-- A German Army helmet.
You wanted to talk about the wedding, right? Don't tell me you kept his umbilical cord. Of course not, that's Greg's foreskin. All right, you know what? That's-- that's enough humiliation.
No, I'm not having fun.
Why deny us our memories? Anyone in the mood for Chinese? You told me your first time was with the Danish transfer student in high school. Yeah, well, you weren't exactly forthcoming about your engagement with Kevin. Yeah, well, he wasn't my babysitter. Okay, I should have told you, all right. Can we just let it go, please? We both got enough stuff to deal with this weekend. How do you mean?
I know that you are studying my family like the frozen caveman. So, I just, I don't want you to be worried, okay? I mean, they're a little quirky, but they-they're well-intentioned and-- and I think they're just nervous and Greg, I am sure tomorrow will be a better day. I thought you ordered room service. Are you sure you don't want any whipped cream with your sundae? I'm Chad, the bellhop.
Oh, no, come on, we did that last week. Can't you be Sam the carpet-cleaning man? Why would a carpet cleaner have whipped cream? I'm here to clean your carpet. Do you mind if I put some foam down on your rug? I don't mind at all. Okay, sleep well, Jack. How long-- how long have you worked in this hotel? It's time to put some snow on your mountains. Come on, I'm gonna get some whipped cream on those Tetons. Come back in the morning, tootsie roll.
Gay, you see the cowboy hat on the door? Cowboy hat is off the door! No cowboy hat this weekend! Just stop doing what you're doing! Come on, man, you know what that cowboy hat on the door means. Will you please help me out here? We're just being ourselves. I think he's saying not to be ourselves. Yes, be yourselves but be yourself in a way that's a little less than being your full selves, okay.
I don't understand this. I mean, why you're so afraid of this Jack? You've been kissing his ass ever since you got here. Mom, I'm not afraid of him, okay. I can't believe you went duck-hunting with him. Our people don't shoot ducks.
Just make Jack feel a little more comfortable here, okay? So you don't want us to be ourselves? No, I just don't want you to break his RV, Dad, and-- and-- and reveal that I had sex with Isabel and play weird sex games that everybody can hear in the house. If you ask me, it wouldn't be so bad if your future in-laws heard this. Do me a favour. Just don't therapize the Byrneses this weekend at all, okay?
All I'm saying is, a few minutes of concentrated work with him and Dina, she could get him to blow like Krakatoa. Right, okay, yeah, you know what?
One day, just give me one day, okay, without any complications. We get through it, everybody goes off, we go on with our lives. Can we do that? You got it, dude. Hon, put the hat back on the door, okay? No cowboy hat this weekend. Okay, but tonight doesn't count. I slept all right, thank you. It's nice, all of us being here together, don't you think? Bernard, do you mind if I have some privacy? Bernie, this fritatta is wonderful. Well, a lot of the taste comes from this old skillet.
I've never washed it. Hey, guys, can I have everybody's attention, please? Gay, be back in a second. Mom, I know we've been-- we've been talking about having the, uh, wedding in October, but Pam and I have been doing a little thinkin' and playing around with some ideas and, uh, we're thinking of moving it up to June.
That's-- that's in a month. I always wanted a spring wedding, you know. Well, that's great, so we can announce it at the party tonight. Oh, your father and I are throwing a little engagement soiree for you two lovebirds. I thought we were just having a nice quiet dinner. It was supposed to be a surprise. The phone keeps ringing, the list keeps growing. Yeah, now, it's up to Fockers. When were you going to tell us about this? What could be better? Dad, what are you doing? We never play football.
I'm trying to cement relationships here. Jack said he was into footy ball. Let's show EI Stiffo how we play the game. Come on, come on, let's play! I'm feeling a little tired. I think I'll sit it out with Little Jack, okay? Honey, you want me to keep you company? No, Dina, come on, you and I will take on Jack and Roz. Come on, Jack, it'll be fun, we'll swap wives. Don't worry, you'll get her back after the game. Fine, we'll play three on two.
But someone needs to be official quarterback. Gay goes both ways. I'll bet he does. I'll run a down-and-in, draw in the defence, then you'll hit Roz here in the end zone for a TD. What do you mean? He hits me where with a what? I'll throw you the ball, you try to catch it, okay. You want me to catch? Hut one, hut two, hike! Come on, this way! That way, that way, that way.
You remember that time in the park? Guys, come on, come on, cut it out. I'm so proud of you. I caught the ball. I caught the ball! Come on, huddle up. Dina, come on, let's go. You want a spritzer? All right, come on. Dad, you got to focus, all right? He's beating you down the field every time. You want me to be macho-wacho? Have I ever said the words macho-wacho to you in my life? I won't disappoint you.
Okay, let's try again, I'm gonna run a stop and go. Fake the short pass, then hit me here in the end zone with a Hail Mary. Yeah, we keep running that play. You want to mix it up a little? I've exposed Bernie's weakness and I want to take advantage of it. Just you and me, Jack. You think you can take me, Flowerman? I'm pretty sure I can, Mr. You're going down, Bernsie-boy. I'm going to rearrange your bouquet.
Sell the pump fake, Greg, 'cause that Focker's gonna bite. Hut one, hut two, hut three, hut four. Are you all right? Hey, Jack, you okay? I'm fine, Greg, thank you.
I see that kind of injury all the time at the hospital. I wish you'd let me give you a quick exam. No, I'm, I'm fine. I told you I'll have my doctor look at it when I get home. You know, it's amazing how your father anticipated the pump fake like that.
It's almost like he knew it was coming. Well, he definitely takes competition seriously. How a man handles himself on the football field says a lot about his character. Know what I mean? We got him, didn't we, dude, huh? No, Dad, he wasn't. That was a really hard shot. You could've hurt him. I just wanted it to be a fun game but you wanted to win, so, you know, you got me all steamed up. No, I asked you to play a little defence, I didn't ask you to turn it into a blood sport.
I play too easy. I play too hard. What are you really asking me to do, Gaylord? I'm not asking anything of you, Dad. Just-- just go down there and apologize to him, okay?
He thinks it was a cheap shot. I can't win with this kid. So, how far along is Pam? Come on, honey, I knew it the minute I saw her. Her boobs are bigger. No wine at dinner, no football. She just found out yesterday. My bubeleh's going to have a baby! My bubeleh's going to be a father! Tell me, talk to me, so this is so exciting. You didn't tell Dad, did you? No, no, Mom, you can't tell him. Because he can't keep a secret. You think Jack knows?
That guy's in such denial, he still thinks his daughter is still a virgin. Yeah, I know, he's very old-fashioned. That's why Pam can't tell him till after the wedding. Mom, it isn't, believe me. You don't know him like I do. My lips are sealed. I am so excited and thrilled for you. So happy for you two! Did you plan this? Uh, no, it just sort of happened. How did it happen?
You know-- you know how it happens. I mean, I'm not going into the details. Honey, I love details. Well, you know, honey, many unplanned pregnancies happen because the man is such a sexual dynamo and the woman craves his sperm on an unconscious but very powerful level.
Mom, I am truly not comfortable having this conversation with you. I've been saying it since I was. What say you and me go into town? I got a guy who can fix your RV. I'm in far too much physical agony, Bernie. Gee, I'm sorry, but it'll be good for you, you know, to, you know, to get out and about. I can take the girls shopping in Coconut Grove. Little Jack is on a very specific napping schedule.
I better stay here. Greg can watch him. He has wonderful parental instincts. Dad, Greg deals with little kids in the ER all the time. They don't call me Barry Poppins for nothing. Why would someone call you Barry Poppins?
Now, remember, Greg, we're Ferberizing him. So unless it's an emergency, under no circumstances should you pick him up or coddle him in any way when he cries.
He's learning to self-soothe, that means no television, no unapproved toys, and most of all, no monkey business of any kind. Shall we get a move on, pal-o-mino? I love this, Roz. This is a great find. Oh, good, and it's loose, so you can wear it even if you gain a few pounds. Honey, are you all right? You look a little flushed. Oh, it's just the heat. It takes some getting used to. I'm going to try this on. Now, madame, let's find something sexy for the momma to wear.
Look at this little number. I think this will get Jack's blood flowing. Jack would have a coronary. Oh, Dina, talk to me. What's really going on with that man? He seems very uptight. Jack's always been a little wound up. His job was very stressful. Being a florist is stressful? There's more to it than people think. If you don't mind me asking, how is your sex life? I can't tell you that.
What's the big deal? Dina, I'm a sex therapist, specializing in senior sexuality. I knew those weren't yoga mats. But you're not dead, either. Lots of couples our age lack intimacy in their marriages. I didn't say we weren't intimate. There are special occasions. You know, anniversaries and Well, on our anniversary. I beg your pardon. I think that I can help you and Jack reconnect. Well, it all starts with a little bit of, uh, how shall I say, intimate contact.
Every pleasure in the body can be stimulated through the ears. I'd give it a shot with Jack tonight. What's goin' on over here? Nothing, just having some girl talk. Here's the deal, L. I'm going to give you a few minutes of attention. But you have to promise that you don't tell Grandpa Jack anything, okay? Okay, I don't quite know what that means, but I'm going to trust you.
A little huggie-wuggie never hurt anybody. I know we aren't supposed to watch TV but we won't tell Grandpa Jack, will we? Oh, look, look, it's Elmo. Do you like fishes? You don't like fishes?
Hey, I got an idea. Let's see what pre-approved genius toys Grandpa Jack has in his big basket of fun. Oh, look, look, it's a-- it's a-- an abacus. Abacuses aren't that much fun, are they?
I don't know why people think they're fun. It's-- it's bolts on a plank. No, not very fun. At the engagement party, Jack, who automatically assumes that Greg knew about Jorge and has deliberately been keeping him a secret from Pam, introduces Greg to Jorge.
Later, when Greg denies knowing anything about Jorge, Jack still refuses to believe him and drugs him with truth serum to make him talk.
On stage, Greg uncontrollably blurts out that Pam is pregnant and that Jorge is his son in a Darth Vader -esqe matter before immediately losing consciousness. The next morning, Pam questions Greg about Jorge, and Greg does not confirm or deny that he is Jorge's father, but insists that he knew nothing about him before the previous evening.
Pam believes him, and is willing to work things out with him. Jack reaches his breaking point with Greg's dishonesty and demands that Pam and Dina leave the island with him. Dina refuses and reveals Jack's actions to everyone. Everyone turns against Jack, with Pam announcing her intent to marry Greg regardless of him having Jorge with Isabel, and Dina admits that they were all aware of Pam's pregnancy. A shocked and hurt Jack leaves with his grandson.
Bernie and Greg pursue Jack, but are soon tasered and arrested by an overzealous deputy sheriffVern LeFlore Tim Blake Nelsonfor speeding and refusing to remain in their car. Meanwhile, Jack is informed that Greg is not Jorge's father his real father turns out to be a baseball player who also resembles Gregand attempts to defend Greg and Bernie, but the overzealous Leflore tasers and arrests him, too. Before they leave, Greg asks that Jack and Bernie stop their feud.
Jack admits that he made a mistake regarding Jorge and reveals his past career in the CIA to Bernie, before apologizing for his actions and making up with the two of them. During the post-credit sceneJack watches hidden baby-cam footage of the Fockers giving attention to Little Jack over Jack's previous objections: