Ron and Tammys | Parks and Recreation Wiki | FANDOM powered by Wikia
See the world's best properly cited quotes from Parks and Recreation (TV Show). Share quotes with friends. Our favorite quote: "There's only one thing I hate. The characters on Parks & Rec have always put up with Tom Haverford's club openings—and as evidenced in “Meet N Greet” (and earlier places), But Andy, who grew up in a family of brothers, decides tonight is the night. So I'm throwing a little meet n greet with business owners and I've asked Ben: My family is very non-confrontational.
Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on hold. I will just show you to your cubicle. I bet it's a big one, huh Barney? The temp agency said that you are fluent in QuickBooks Pro, correct? Oh right yeah, we should cover that. Y'see, my resume might not actually be accurate, right?
So I have no idea what you're talking about. Don't know what QuickBooks are.
You don't have any accounting experience? No, no, no, Barney, c'mon. But you don't have to be an accountant to know that this girl is a Yo, what up, Diaz? Oh, sharp mouth on her also. Is this the new temp who's supposed to help me with the spreadsheets? You wanna talk about spreading the sheets, we can go back to my place and I will rock your— Barney: So I just go out the same way I came in? The Comeback Kid [4.
Leslie, I don't know the first thing about running a political campaign. Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. You're smart as a whip and you're cool under pressure. You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare hands! You're that good of a nurse. Ann don't listen to your head or your heart. Just look at my eyes and say yes. I believe in you Ann. And your first job as my campaign manager is to start dressing like one.
I don't wanna have this conversation again. You just hired me eight seconds ago. Wow you're doing a really bad job. Did you hear that I'm relaunching my campaign? Actually, no sorry we weren't here to see you. We've been meeting with other potential candidates for City Council. So my campaign ends and just like that you find someone else and run theirs? Yes that's our job.
But I just had a big meeting with my new advisory board and they're brilliant and amazing! I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything. I'll be right in. Well uh, good luck Leslie. Well we don't need luck We are a rocket ship We're relaunching and we're gonna blast past your candid-and they're gone.
I no longer have highly trained, professional campaign managers. Are most murders committed by highly trained, professional assassins? No, they're committed by friends and coworkers! That analogy was way better in my head. That is a three-legged dog. His name is Champion cause he's the dog world's champion. Okay I have to ask this, I'm sorry but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?
That what makes him the best! He can do more with three legs than most dogs can do with four. He's really bad a digging. And we remembered what you said about making decisions in the house. You wanna be involved, we get that. So, you just say the word and Champion goes back to the pound where he can be put down and killed forever. I'm not gonna send a three-legged dog to his death.
But I'm also not gonna take care of him for you. Well it would be nice if you helped a little. Because unlike you, Andy and I have jobs. You look like a real campaign manager. Thanks that's because I googled campaign manager and noticed that they wear a lot of dark colors. See there's more things to look at on the internet besides naked guys Ann. Is there even enough room for everyone? Here sit on my lap. Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap?
No that's Champion's spot, he called it. Tom we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap. Let's not talk about dunking anymore. Let's talk about what you wanna do. I think you wanna dunk. I'm not gonna dunk the ball.
What about a layup? Officer I've been operating heavy machinery since I was eight years old. Now I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what laws are we breaking exactly? Well you got four people in the front seat.
Nobody's wearing a seat belt. You were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone. The rear of the vehicle's open. Debris' been falling out. And you don't have a commercial license to drive a truck. Okay well you and I have a philosophical difference on what constitutes a law.
Glenn you're killing me. They broke about 50 laws Knope! And that girl, she tried to get that gimp dog to bite me. Look I could sit here and fill out all the paperwork but you and I both know that you'd rather go home to Debra, eat a nice home-cooked meal and do what comes naturally.
Ron how's the stage coming?
Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the biggest I could make it. What happened to the rest of my face!?
We had to jetsons most of the poster too but I kinda like it cause windows are the eyes to the house. Jerry you were in charge of getting a crowd. Please tell me that you pulled a Jerry and no-one's here. Okay well first of all, I don't like it when you guys use that term. And for the record, I came through. There are almost people out there! Oh damn it Jerry!
You just had to do your job didn't you?! Yeah can't you do anything wrong Jerry? I've been looking at our utter and complete lack of experience as a positive thing Sorry my cards got out of order here when they fell.
I'm sure that was something positive originally. I'm sorry, okay this is This is the worst political event ever in history! Well I can assure you people in the bleachers that if you follow my campaign it will be interesting! He is attractive, and charming, and his family employs half the town.
I am a lifelong government bureaucrat who's well versed in the issues. And those are the kind of sexy qualifications that win elections. Thank you, John, for coming in. The Public Works department is wonderful and you are the best idea man in the business. Also we're cancelling all of your ongoing projects. What about the Pawnee River dam? Have a nice day. Where will all the water go? Wherever it's headed now. The important thing is the dam is never happening and your dream has been crushed.
Bowling For Votes [4. Is everybody feeling good? Oh, I don't know Jerry. It's Sunday night, I'm making phone calls to strangers, and you're in my house. My life couldn't be worse. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating. When I eat, it's the food that's scared. April hates Valentine's Day.
And brunch, and outside, and smiling. I will find you love. What did you say something? Thank you all for being here. Sorry, I was talking to these ribs. Quick question about Ann. Does anybody know if she has any Indian in her?
No one say anything. I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her. I don't think she does- Tom: Would she like some!? I don't think it's appropriate for people to be getting wet with sound. Can I have it!?
No, no you can't! Where'd you get it!? How do you know what a cryptex is? I know what things are. Well Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place in here. I've tried every five letter word that has anything to do with our third date. Have you tried 'Fuck!? That's a four letter word.
I really don't think it's that. I wish I could help you bro, I don't know if I can. You're like the second smartest guy I know. You should go to the first smartest guy I know. So the clue is inside and it takes a five-letter code to open. Did you try 'Fucks?
Why is that everyone's first suggestion?! I think I might be able to help you. I found a date for Ann! I put an ad on Craigslist.The Best Of Ron Swanson (Parks and Recreation)
I'll meet you inside okay? You hired a male escort. Please get your gigolo out of here. Well it's Valentine's Day and I'm single and I'm at a couple's dance. Can't imagine a more depressing place to be!
How about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom and you're the only one there without a date so the bride makes you dance to 'Single Ladies' by yourself? Oh my God did that happen to you? Let's get a drink! Hey, Kris Kross, can we change up the music? It kinda sounds like the end of a movie about a monk who killed himself. There's some attractive women here! Why don't you rebound!? Nobody here compares to Millicent.
Stop staring at Jerry like that! Look Knope, I've always liked you, but the Newports run this town, and frankly they've donated a lot of money to the department.
Mo' money, mo' problems, that's what I always say. How about mo' money, mo' protective kevlar vests that save lives? I understand you need to think about it, but if you were gonna make a decision The guys are throwing me a little retirement thing tonight at O'Flinigans.
Parks and Recreation recap: 'Meet 'n' Greet'
There's gonna be beer so why don't you swing by, I'll give you an answer. Weirdo can come, too. Oh hey, uh, may I say Obviously some more than others. Oh boy, here it comes Uh, yes, uh, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was, uh, involved. We had [clears throat] romantic We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people. Never half-ass two things. It reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my 6th birthday.
I couldn't choose, so I slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious. Do I look like I drink water? It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters. Nympho means you're addicted to sex, and since it's on the butt, there are other implications as well.
So those are a maybe.
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Why are you here eating alone? I'm surrounded by friends. Friends I don't know yet. And I'm engrossed in this book. It's the true story of a woman born with no arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel.
Oh, she drowned immediately. It's kind of a sad story. I've gotten to know the city councilmen pretty well because of my campaign. If you hear them talking about "that blonde pain in the ass", that's me. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in that Greek restaurant next door. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat the whole thing.
This is the best possible job for me.
Ep. Meet n Greet: Toolbox - Ron Swanson Quotes
I could literally make anything sound positive. Your house just burned down and you lost all your money in the stock market. It's a chance to start over. And true wealth is measured by the amount of love in your life.
If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want it to be me. Is the menu all set? Yes I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson ribs. So you do a lot of investing? We like to dabble. I recently invested in some shirts at a garage sale. Left those at a Wendy's on the way home, so You are here because you gave us money.
Now we will give you ribs. Also you will watch the debate. If you like the debate you'll give us more money. Nothing gets me more amped than Sarah McLachlan! Many of you know me as the man who sells you your guns at the Gunbelievable Gun Emporium. Random Guy In The Crowd: I want to tell ya about my idea for assault rifle vending machines.
You might be thinking, what would an adult film star know about politics? Well, I produced and starred in over adult films this year alone. And just like Leslie, I know what it's like to be the only woman in a room full of men. Leslie asks Ron's second ex-wife Tammy 2 for help, but even she is scared of Tammy I — Tammy I attacked Tammy 2 with acid when her and Ron first got together. They decide to ask Ron's survivalist mother, Tamara — nicknamed Tammy, or Tammy 0 — for help and she agrees.
Tammy 0 challenges Tammy I to a "prairie drink-off" of highly alcoholic Swanson family mash liquor, but Tammy 0 says Ron will return to the farm forever if she wins.
Leslie enters the drinking contest to save Ron from his mother and ex-wife, but the liquor immediately makes her too drunk to continue. Ron, finally fed up over people controlling him, chugs the jug dry and tells both Tammys to leave him alone. In a subplot, Tom Haverford asks Ben Wyatt to look over the finances of his company, Entertainment Ben discovers that Tom and Jean-Ralphio Saperstein are wasting large amounts of money on a state-of-the-art office, giving employees high salaries with full benefits, and paying Detlef Schrempf and Roy Hibbert to play basketball all day, despite having no income.
They ignore Ben's warnings that the company will go bankrupt in a month, but Tom later apologizes to Ben after discovering that he was right. In another subplot, Ann Perkins asks Chris Traeger to film a quick Public Service Announcement about diabetes, but the overly-enthusiastic Chris spends all day doing countless takes, making Ann wonder why she even dated him in the first place.
I would guess that they would be bankrupt by the end of this sentence. She 's the cold distant mother I never had. What is your name? I hope the rest of your day is cool beans. Why do you have so many guns? This is America isn't it? Then I don't have to answer stupid questions while standing on my own property. OK, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real? In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future was protected.
He's acquired quite a bit of gold You are literally a gold digger! Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra.
It's time to settle this. Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off. Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel!