How to Cut Ties with Family Members Who Hurt You (with Pictures)
Examine the big picture of your relationship with your family member. them rather than being a give-and-take conversation, it's likely a toxic relationship. You may also choose to end a relationship with someone whom you believe has . 10 Signs You Are Dealing With Toxic Family Members. Not sure if . It can be hard to end a relationship with a toxic family member. So, you. What are the signs of the toxic people in your life, and how do you deal with them ? Signs of a Toxic Person and How to Cut Those Toxic People out of Your Life .. AJ Harbinger is one of the world's top relationship development experts. Following the path set out for him by his family, AJ studied biology in college and .
This very low blow was what I needed to be pushed over the edge of the cliff I had been standing on for so many years of wanting to jump but being too afraid of how I would be judged by them and others for making this decision. Today, I am free. I do not feel anger or resentment towards them because I took away their power to continually create chaos in my life.
I do not wish them harm and in many ways I am thankful for the experience, and I do not want them in my life. Valid Reasons to Terminate Relationships with Family 1. When the relationship is based in any type of abuse mentally, physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally. When the relationship is based in manipulation, overt or covert, you can be sure you are being used and abused. When you are living in constant anxiety never knowing or being able to predict how any engagement is going to turn out, it is time to love yourself enough to let go.
- MORE IN LIFE
- You neglect your own emotional needs
- Evaluating the Relationship
It is time to terminate a relationship when the only contact you have with them is negative. When your emotions are totally caught up in defending yourself and wanting to explain yourself and the chaos of your relationships with these people is all you talk about, it is time to let go. If you find yourself obsessed with the gossip about you and trying to right wrong information, and you are constantly being ostracized to the point you are losing sleep over it you are becoming poisoned with their toxicity.
Gossip only serves one family member to get others to gang up on you and you are left defenseless against the false beliefs about you being thrown your way.
There is usually a ring leader gathering the troops for the assault and because they are joined together you begin to wonder if it is, in fact, you, that is the problem.
When the relationship is completely all about the other person and there is no real reason why the other person cannot make any effort towards the health and maintenance of the relationship with you. One sided relationships are set up for your failure. When you realize there never going to be an "enough" place for you to reach in the relationship, you need to let go and start to focus on your own healing. When and if the relationship is only about borrowing or needing money.
When crazy-making, no-win games dominate the relationship such as the silent treatment, blame-games, no-win arguments that spin around on you, there is no point in continuing in this battle. Verbal warfare is never the place you will convince them of anything and these types of verbal interactions are set up to be their way or the highway.
If these are the negative consequences you receive each time this person or people don't get their way it is time to let go. Most people know intuitively when it's time to cut ties. Sadly, we may have carried this knowing for a long time before we were ever ready to make the jump. Although it took me 42 years, I do believe had I done it any sooner I may not have had the same confidence and assuredness in my decision.
Not everyone will have a horrible moment like mine to push them off that cliff however, so, at some point you will just need to follow your gut and take the leap. Not everything is clear cut when it comes to severing long-standing relationships with people because often we have children involved which I will write a follow up article about, but as we heal and we find our value in the eyes of others and in our own achievements and self-love we start to realize that these family members accepting or us not, is no longer the defining feature of who we are.
She did not acknowledge my birthday or holidays, although I sent her family gifts and cards. A year ago her husband died and left her and her daughter without any money, as they lived paycheck to paycheck and he had no savings or insurance. My husband and I sent money to her every month for rent and food, and sent meat care packages and pet foods for the cats and dogs.
And I called left messages and visited several times and really tried to be supportive. But she would not return my calls, and then once a month she would call or email to say that the Social Security benefits had not yet kicked in, and that she would be evicted and the power shut off if we did not send money.
And we would send it because we have it and because she is family, and we did it in a positive way, not at all grudgingly. We gave up stuff on our end to do it, but she is family. Now the emails have stopped so I assume she has gotten her Social Security, and the whole experience put me face to face with the fact that there is not really anything there.
For whatever reasons, my sister and her husband and daughter never seemed to take an interest in reaching out other than for money. And now I feel I am done. To be up front, we have never had much in common.
We have diametrically opposite political and social views and in general I feel our value systems have little in common. We do not have common interests. And we have no other social ties in common.
When we would be visiting, my sister would say hurtful things some times from our childhood--she would speak glowingly of the person who sexually abused me for example, as if he was a really wonderful person who did all these positive things for us.
I did ask her not to do this as that was not at all the way I experienced him, but she would keep doing it anyway, and when I came away from the visit it would take me days to get over how upset I felt.
I know I can only present my side of things, but I really did try to be there for her and have some kind of sister thing going. I realize it has been hurtful, and there were good reasons I stayed away in the past. I have found some peace recently understanding that it is all right not to want to see much of her. I think I will see her again, but not very often, and I will not expect anything, and will not give as much either.
And I will know that it is okay to step back and cut it off if I need to. Mary 7 weeks ago My mother was abusive, I was the scape goat out of 6 children. Today, my parents are gone, my oldest sister still feels entitled.
My favored younger sister still feels entitled. My two younger sisters spent a day making fun of me. The younger favored sister held a grudge, tried to ruin our anniversary Hawaii trip with us by bullying me and verbally abusing me like my mother did.
The next morning I told her she needed to stop or we would take them to the airport and they could get their own car and accommodations.
She stopped, but still held a grudge. During a visit a breakfast was arranged with the oldest sister and the two youngest sisters.
I packed up my grand baby, who I was watching, and set out to meet them. I met them later at a nieces house. Then they all ditched me there and went to Costco. The oldest and youngest sisters apologized. The favored younger sister held a grudge. Dred Cuan 7 weeks ago from California It's really hard to cut family ties as different issues may arise like being an irresponsible family member. It's sad that sometimes these family ties hold you back from being you or stop you to grow. In some places, children are required to take look after their parent when they grow old.
While in some places, parents still take care of their children with their own family. These are just two situations that can destroy other family members lives.
When and How to Cut the Ties of Bad Family Relationships
Amy 7 weeks ago I'm 20 and live with my parents. My mother is manipulative and controlling to the point that I want out. It's a repeating cycle of abuse and I doubt it will change.
I financially can't support myself to move out and don't have a job since my mother has made it clear she doesn't want me to have one probably so I can't be on my own. I could move in with my boyfriend who my family hates and we've looked into the financial "burdens" we might face, but I know that my family would disown me.
I need distance, but don't want to cut all ties. My family says that they'll always be there for me, even if I leave and have to move back in.
But my parents have made it clear that if I have to move back in after leaving they will purposely make my life more difficult.
Signs You Grew Up in a Toxic Family
They're already doing it with my relationship with my boyfriend since I stood up to them and said that I want to continue a relationship with him. My dad has even encouraged what I consider cheating, saying I can be in a "relationship" with my boyfriend but he has to be okay with me going out with other guys. If I've said I want to be in a relationship with one person, what makes it okay to go on dates with other people? First I'm taught that it's not okay to cheat, then encouraged to do so?!
I will admit that there are some problems between my boyfriend and I, but my parents refuse to talk to him. If we tell him that he'll say we're controlling you. I'm not going to tell him. I wish she could see that what she does, even if she wants to say it's out of love, ends up hurting me. I normally hide my self-harm, so for it to get to the point that I hit myself in front of her takes a lot.
I realize it may be pent up, but it seems like she's always the one to break the last straw and send me over the edge. Living here is toxic for my mental health. But cutting all ties would be worse for my mental health since I don't know entirely how my family would react.
Vicki 7 weeks ago My 17 year old grandson is abusing me. I plan to move away when he is 18, leaving him on his own.Cutting Off Your Dysfunctional Family (Advice)
I'm older and now ill, and he has recently taken to calling me names, waking me from sleep to rant and stomp around over nothing, throw hissy fits if there's no money, if I don't want his friends to come over etc. He won't attend schoolhe gets into my things, has hauled away many of my things, broken things that will cost money to repair, etc. He kicked something and it hit my kneecutting it. I tried counseling and they didn't do anything and released him, and I figure it's only going to get worse, I don't feel very safe around him, so I am going to be forced out of my home until I can be sure that he is off and on his own or living with other relatives.
Ellie76 2 months ago I've been verbally and emotionally assaulted by my 96 year old father for the last time. I do not care if I ever speak to him or my siblings ever again.
I am SO angry! I was never close to my father. He is a functional alcoholic who physically, verbally and emotionally abused our mother through 67 years of a hellish marriage. His abuse did not stop at her, although with us kids it was mostly verbal and emotional. That was the end for me. I am the black sheep, the outsider. I did not conform like the others. I have never stayed in close touch with any of my siblings and when we visit I feel very much like that outsider.
For example, at a gathering in August my sister had a small cake for my brother whose birthday had just passed and we all sang happy birthday. My birthday was two days later.
Having a hard time dealing with this anger. Wish I could express more. Just needed to get some stuff out. I wish you all peace of mind and love. I always had trouble in school but did graduate with a BS but just by the skin of my teeth.
My little bother was the pride and joy and was everything thing my parents wanted but he never finished college. I left for the military and stayed 25 years. I came back home when things were promised but the reneged on. Since my two sisters and him are very close it's like a gang up on me. My brother will contradict anything I say and even insults my military service. Even when I tried to talk to my parents about the stuff I went through my last 8 years my parents would say "well your brother puts in some long hours too.
I left the area for a year doing contract work in Saudi and came back nothing changed. I am really about to just leave and never contact any of them again. I was estranged from my abusive and mentally ill mother for more than 18 years. She has borderline personality disorder, narcissistic traits, and is something of a grifter. Most of my extended family would have nothing to do with me after I cut my mother out of my life.
She worked hard to turn people against me. She never once tried to see my three children during that time. My older brother, a felon and drug user, wouldn't let me see his children whom I was close to. After he died last year, two of his children, now adults, came back into my life. I also let my mother back into my life as I felt sorry for her. She's now years-old, and her health is fragile.
I figured that she could no longer hurt me. They've brought me nothing but pain. My niece who said she loved me and wanted to be part of my life, really only cared about using me for money.
I told my mother about it in confidence, worried that my niece might have a drug problem, and she abused my trust and carried that info, and likely some embellishments, back to my niece.
My niece suddenly quit speaking to me, breaking my heart. My mother did that on purpose. She has also turned my younger brother's new wife against me. He'd married her a couple of days after meeting her, and I thought that was fishy.
I told my mother and she took that information right back to her.
10 Signs You Have Toxic Family Members And 3 Things You Can Do About It | Mercury
I will never tell her anything again. My husband said that my mother is my worst enemy, and I think he's right. Besides that, I was repeatedly sexually abused by a cousin who's eight years older than me during my childhood.