Not Ready to Dive In - Divorced Dating | Ask MetaFilter
Believe Him When He Says He's Not Ready. Hello Karen, I've been dating a man for the past 2 years. The first year we were Is it fair that he's basing the pace of our relationship on the fact that he's going thru a divorce? I mean is it wrong. What's a girl to do when she is ready for marriage and her guy needs That being said, whether your guy ever wants to marry is hopefully not the real . and why you want to get married now—why not in six months to a year?. Second, if he's not ready, will he be ready one day? This relationship will prepare you for the real deal with the real man who deserves you to lose me so he made us a couple years after we met and married me a year later. By that I'm not saying be promiscuous or sleep with any man you date.What to Do When He Says He's Not Ready for a Relationship
No doubt he's a lovely man who emphatically does not want a long-term thing. He means that he does not want to date you exclusively and is going to see other people when the right opportunity presents itself. Listen, nobody in their right mind will say the actual words, "Well yes, actually; I am stringing you along until something better comes along," but that's exactly what this guy is saying.
Of course it's confusing.
I still have a healthy, I believe fear that things are going to blow up. That's because you know on some level that staying with this guy is not going to end well for you. He's already told you it's not going to end well.
Stop spinning yourself into knots over this; the handwriting is on the wall. What I'm more concerned about is why you're willing to accept a quasi-relationship that rightfully feeds your insecurity because you know it's not what you want. Give this guy his walking papers and date someone who wants a relationship. I can guarantee what you have right now is going to end in tears.
Being alone for now is far, far better than being with someone who tells you their goal is to NOT stay with you. Here is what I realized after the dust settled: I was his divorce-rebound girl. I was the one he thought he deserved, to be there to soothe him and repair him and sympathize with him and be his therapy-with-benefits, during his most vulnerable period.
He desperately wanted someone to want him, to choose him, to desire him, immediately after the time when he'd felt the most unwanted and rejected. His marriage ended, he was a failure, and now he said he was ready to find someone new, but in truth- no. He was in divorce recovery mode, wholly incapable of making a real, honest connection with anyone else.
I was there to offer whatever was needed, occasionally getting something in return, but only enough to trick me into thinking it was worthwhile to stay. He was unaware of any of these dynamics, of course, and could not articulate any of it.
He had no idea he had zero business trying to be in a relationship so soon after a divorce that had decimated him emotionally. He likes you a lot, I am sure.
But in his current state, does he truly see YOU as a living, breathing, viable relationship partner, with valid needs and desires? He can't, even if he wanted to. He is still so deep into his own issues, trying to recover, trying to reclaim his own identity and come to terms with the breakup of the marriage. He needs a real therapist, not a pseudo-one. Those ring true for me. I settled for less because I thought there was far more "there" there. But it was an illusion.
Believe Him When He Says He's Not Ready
Don't settle for crumbs. You deserve someone who wants you for who you are, not for what you can do for them. Let this guy go off and do his own self-work. Rebound relationships are almost never worth it Which I totally get!
The problem is that everyone has different expectations, desires, and tolerances in a relationship. However, i have a friend who started dating a just-divorced guy, and everyone joked about her being the rebound, but they are still together 3 years later and are just perfect together. He sounds like a sweet guy who clearly has feelings for you i. I hear all your points on this and think about these things.
- Signs He Won’t Commit
- Why Won’t He Commit to Me?
No amount of talking about it will change it. Therapy lasted for over three years. It really can turn out either way. And I think it would be unfair of me to make demands with this being so new. Is what he said really up the alley of not wanting to date me in the future? Or is it a responsible approach? Should I give this until after the holidays and then see where we are? None of you are wrong about that.
Believe Him When He Says He's Not Ready - The Heart MattersThe Heart Matters
And I still enjoy him. People do move at different paces. Why are you putting yourself inside of a box? Why are you cutting yourself down? You're allowed to have feelings.
Not allowing yourself to have feelings is only going to drive you into despair. Why have you decided to prioritize his "maybe" over your reality?
Get rid of this guy and take care of yourself. It would not be unfair at all. It would be the only fair thing for both of you. You know what you want. Stating and standing up for your desires is not demanding anything of anyone - it is the only way you will get what you want. I would argue that not doing so is exactly what's getting you these guys who think you are amazing but won't commit to you. You are amazing because you meet their needs, but there is no need for them to reciprocate.
If you don't prioritize your needs, why would you think they would? The risk is that this guy may hear your desires and decide he can't fulfill them. But the reward is the guy who hears your desires, respects you for stating them, and wants the same things. Most of the relationships they have don't "take" just statistically and it can be really easy to feel like you're a "transitional" partner - fun to have fun with and get used to dating again, but not a serious partnership prospect.
And the more recent the divorce, the more true this seemed. You are right to notice that he might be saying things even he doesn't believe, because he's just not at all sure how to operate here. There's often an issue of people saying sort-of the right things to please you or at least not lose you as an opportunity, but not really understanding what they mean or whether they're really feeling capable of following through. This was the closest thing I got to exclusivity And that's not close at all.
You don't have exclusivity, and you're not committed. He should know this. My advice would be that in this stage of life and especially with a partner at his position in life, you need to know quite clearly what your goals, standards, and non-negotiables are.
If you don't want to be seeing someone who's sleeping with other people, you need to be clear on that. By stuffing down your own needs and desires and just trying to adapt to his, you are setting yourself up for resentment and disappointment when he doesn't behave as you would want - and without even knowing what it is you want.
Now is a very good time to sit down with yourself and determine the shape, form and style of the relationship you want. The next, and harder, step is to reject relationship opportunities that don't fit that form. This relationship doesn't fit the form of your own desire, which seems though relatively unexpressed ever here to be for a stable, minimally stressful and guesswork-involving, relationship moving toward increase intimacy and commitment.
You are absolutely in the right to want what you want - a tender and loving relationship with someone who appreciates and respects and cares for you. This isn't what that really looks like. It's complicated because even in the most charitable light and if he were the greatest guy on earth, you've caught him in a phase where he doesn't want to get right back into a deep relationship. This is what people mean when they say "the timing wasn't right" - and it may never be, but it's impossible to know when two people who aren't entirely being honest with themselves about what they want and what they need are trying to make something of their connection.
It's just not likely to go where you want it to. Look for something less complicated.
This is too stressed a question for a month and a half-long relationship. Thank him kindly for his time, wish him the best, and move on.
And I second the recommendation of individual therapy. It could help you get clearer about what you need, strengthen your self-esteem and self-value so you don't sacrifice things that are important for you, and make you more easily able to articulate what you want in a relationship clearly, so you can have more meaningful negotiations about things like sexual exclusivity. Just to respond to this: They are vastly outweighed by the far more normal situation that people really do take a long time, and a lot of tries, to move from one deeply committed long-term relationship that ended in pain and fracture, to another relationship down the road.
It's enormously rare that that happens so simply, and in the unusual cases in which it does, it usually doesn't begin where the two of you are. That's a fantasy - it would be a great story if it happened, but it doesn't seem to be happening here and so it's not worth reasoning from. Unfortunately, that's not the overall response you're getting. He is already telling you he doesn't want a genuine commitment and he wouldn't hold it against you if were sleeping with other people. I completely understand that no doubt he is a very nice person, but he is not relationship material.
It is not unfair to begin a relationship stating that you're looking for a long-term partner. This guy has made it clear that he is not looking for that. But you're not getting your needs met now. No one likes not being a priority or a man who withholds love and commitment. You feel cheated out of a full loving relationship. Sorry to say, this is what you can expect from dating a separated man.
You said you know the dangers, yet here you are. Maybe its time to allow your discomfort to indicate you are running astray of your own love goal. No Time to Date — If you do not have time to date, you do not have time for a relationship. A healthy, loving relationship can often take MORE time than trying to meet someone. However, being with the wrong man takes a big toll on your self esteem and emotional life. You are responsible for deciding if you rather stay with the wrong man and how worthwhile this is to you.
It serves you to some degree. At 34, this is prime time for your baby bio-clock to start ticking. If you hope to have children soon, think twice about staying with this guy. He might not want more kids even if he decides to finally commit to you. What would it be like to have an expert to answer your dating questions privately? Just fill out the application and schedule your free consult online today.
The Struggles of Dating Separated a Man was last modified: