Ending a relationship with someone borderline personality disorder

ending a relationship with someone borderline personality disorder

Virtually anyone can write a 'how-to' manual about leaving a Borderline, but . As long as a BPD ex holds onto your belongings, they're able to retain a part of YOU. . It takes one person to change a relationship (not save it--that requires a. Sep 2, Borderline personality disorder cuts a wide swath of destruction. "Say you're having dinner with a borderline person and someone else comes into engineer the ending of the very relationships they covet" by wearing out. Jul 11, When entering into a relationship with someone, you are hopeful and eager to see Borderline Personality Disorder is a personality disorder characterized by: Stage 5 – The relationship ends and the partner walks away.

That fear encouraged me to lash out even more, creating a vicious cycle of self-destruction. I was ashamed of the things I was saying and doing, but it felt like I had no control over my body or mind. I was delusional, hoping my emotional confessions would somehow be passed on to him and make him feel guilty and sorry for me.

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Unfortunately, my downward spiral did end up getting me in trouble. Friends I thought I could trust twisted my words and made false accusations about me. They told my ex, as well as his parents, I did things I never actually did.

After all that, I finally snapped. I was hurt that people actually believed the things I was accused of doing. How could my ex, who knew me better than anyone else, believe I was capable of doing those things? I felt like my reputation was ruined. I looked like the bad guy.

I can never be happy again. No one will ever love me. I was too sedated at that point to respond to the paramedic, but I wanted to tell her I do care about people; in fact, I care too much about other people, and that is exactly why I ended up in the back of that ambulance.

I just thought no one cared about me. My time at the psychiatric hospital following the attempt was actually a turning point for me. It was a necessary wake-up call. You may also find that a partner with BPD may leave YOU suddenly, and for no apparent reason, due to the stress of alternating feelings of "too much closeness" and fear of abandonment. Fear that the partner might commit suicide if you leave.

ending a relationship with someone borderline personality disorder

You are not responsible for another person's actions. Some people with BPD use the threat of suicide to prevent their biggest fear: But while threatening suicide, they may also be making long-term arrangements, having affairs to replace you, even, as one woman found, pocketing away common money for the impending divorce.

However, if a threat is actually attempted, do not hesitate to bring in not only medical personnel, but police. You cannot shoulder on yourself the responsibilities of doctors and legal authorities. If the partner is in therapy, alert the therapist to any suggestion of suicide. Fear that your partner may hurt themselves in other ways. A well-known BPD trait is "self-mutilation", whereby the distressed person cuts or otherwise mutilates their own body in an effort to escape inner pain.

Always alert your partner's doctor or therapist if you see this happening, or even if it is merely threatened. Even if you stay undecided about leaving, always have a "sudden exit strategy" in place. Have a packed suitcase, spare money, essential items in one place, and a safe residence to go on a moment's notice.

Do not tolerate physical abuse or even the threat of it; leave immediately. When a BPD partner is raging, they are not thinking clearly, and you should definitely leave the situation, if only temporarily, until the partner calms down. If you make a habit of this, they will also be less suspicious when it is time to make your final departure. The best way to leave a partner with BPD is through careful planning.

Once you have made the decision to leave, you should take the following steps before you leave: Keep the "sudden exit strategy" in place and even start adding to it with more details You do not ideally want to leave on the spur of the moment, but keep in mind that people with BPD fear abandonment, and therefore may worsen their behavior if any whiff of your intention to leave is detected.

Consult a therapist about your situation. Therapy will help you deal with the emotional abuse characteristic of relationships with BPD, and provide a safe and assuring environment in which to talk over your feelings about the partner. You may also learn ways of coping and reacting to the disorder that shield both you and your partner.

Question the therapist beforehand about their knowledge of BPD; the disorder is not so widely known that you can assume they are familiar with its particular issues. If your partner is in therapy, tell their therapist about your intention of leaving. An ethical therapist will NOT tell your partner of your intent, but can help prepare them for the event, easing not only your departure, but also your ex-partner's reaction to the change.

There are many legal ramifications of leaving your own home, or forcing an abusive partner to leave a shared home. If you are not legally married, you may not have the normal court protections. Lawyers are also useful in discussing such issues as possible restraining orders.

How BPD Makes a Breakup Feel Like the End of the World | The Mighty

If you are planning divorce it is very important that you make legal moves carefully before you make your intentions known to your partner. There is also the possibility of counter-lawsuits from the abandoned party against which you may have to defend yourself.

Since laws vary from state to state, and country to country, and you may find conflicting advice from friends and family over these laws, give full weight to your lawyer's advice. Document as fully as you can the abusive actions of your partner!

ending a relationship with someone borderline personality disorder

Keep a diary of strange behavior. This will be valuable evidence in case authorities "do not believe you" or if the person with BPD makes false accusations or blames you for the breakup. Given that BPD behavior is more commonly witnessed by the partner, while the person with BPD may act normally in front of others, you may need backup to your claims of abusive behaviors as others may not believe you.

You may also find that referring to your documentation strengthens your resolve to leave. Take all your personal posessions with you when you leave You do not want to be "held hostage" to personal items that you may want to retrieve later; you may even find them missing or destroyed.

Once again, consult a lawyer over the legal ramifications of abandoning or taking mutual property. Instead of taking everything at once, you may decide to move individual items one at a time, especially personal items, or those useful in an independent living situation or "sudden exit".

Be careful, however, not to tip off your partner of your intention of leaving by removing everything at once, or obvious items that suggest you are leaving. Do not prematurely tell the person with BPD that you are leaving! It will backfire as a threat due, once again, to the sometimes extreme reactions of the disorder. Because people with BPD tend to "act out" their disorder more around people they know, you will be inhibiting that behavior by having strangers around you.

Friends may volunteer their help, but you are better off paying for a moving company to aid you -- this not only makes the move happen quickly, it also furnishes strangers who can witness any bad reactions. A BPD person caught off-guard, in the presence of strangers, and during a sudden, quickly-occurring move, is safer than a BPD person who has had time to prepare their response!

Let both your workplace AND the police know about your impending departure ahead of time. As abandoned BPDs may start a "smear" campaign against you -- they may even call the police on YOU -- this helps to short-circuit that attempt. Have your documentation of the abusive behavior at hand.


Police may be puzzled why you are still in the abusive situation, and think you simply need an escort back to the premises to pick up your stuff, so make them very aware that the real danger with BPD is not so much in the staying, but the act of leaving! Have them arrive shortly before the movers to either witness as strangers, or to talk to the BPD partner and warn them about doing anything rash. Remember, as a taxpayer, you have the right to ask for a police escort at any time.

If they are having an affair, DO NOT have an affair yourself, as you may find the reaction much greater than you anticipated especially from one who is indulging in the same behavior!

ending a relationship with someone borderline personality disorder

He struggles to trust this woman he loves, but Stone's character makes it impossible, while giving us a spectacular portrayal of a high-functioning, emotionally impaired female with BPD.

Reasoning with them is an utterly useless exercise that only digs you deeper into chaos and drama. Would you try reasoning with an infant? It takes one person to change a relationship not save it--that requires a commitment by bothand two to keep it the same or stagnant. The only way to handle a Borderline's acting-out, is to set very firm limits and boundaries for them, as you would for a three year old. If you're in their home or an environment you mutually share, you leave.

If you're on the phone with them, terminate that call immediately. Very simply, 'bad' behavior must consistently be associated with loss of contact and attention.

ending a relationship with someone borderline personality disorder

Otherwise, whether you're still in this dynamic or not, you're playing by their rules, not yours, and this ball has to remain in your court.

I hate to say it, but the Borderline is an emotional vampire. When you have finally left this treacherous dance, you could feel like a shadow of your former self. Their skewed perceptions make it seem like you're viewing yourself in a warped Fun House mirror, and you start believing that this distorted reflection of you is accurate! You've been mortally wounded, and it's taken a huge toll on your spirit, psyche and body.

Prostate problems, heart conditions, blood disorders, herpes breakouts, migraine headaches, glaucoma and cancer are just a few of the souvenirs guys have retained from these couplings, regardless of how physically powerful they were before they met their BPD tormentor.

One of my ex's married a Borderline--and twelve years later, he was diagnosed with a Parkinson's-type neurological disease. They're divorced now, but it's too little, too late. The damage to his body and psyche has been irreversible. Again, if breaking away from your Borderline were simply a behavioral issue, you'd have certainly done it long before now, but there are some powerful emotional underpinnings to this attraction, which have kept you going back for more.

To one extent or another, all of my BPD materials reveal and explain these issues in fairly concise terms--and if you think that no part of this has to do with your unresolved issues, you will painfully continue longing for somebody who's just beyond your reach.

Because of the Borderline's profound attachment fears, they interpret this painful craving to mean it's "true love," too.

This is not the norm, but it does happen. There's something about their connection with this particular female that touches on a primitive place inside from infancy and early boyhood, and makes this union seem magical, despite her deficits and disturbances.

The very fact that you're struggling with the decision of leaving, means you have a degree of emotional health and grounding. That's the good news! The bad news, is this conflict you're experiencing, involves some nasty leftovers from childhood that are making it horribly difficult to exercise sound, self-preserving life choices, and extricate yourself from this mess.

A child's emotional pain often goes unnoticed or unattended to by his parents, and so he learns to disregard it himself--or make it not matter, just to get by.

If you have frequently exclaimed "whatever" during your life when intense frustration or disappointment overtook you, you're probably an adult child, who's stored your pain deep inside. It's hard to comprehend why we've decided to love a broken person who makes us feel so much stress.

It forces us to examine what's wrong with us, that we're attracted to this kind of individual who keeps us illogically ensnared. You need her to be the Identified Patient IPwhich is a clinical term that's used in Family Therapy, when parents enlist therapeutic help for a child who acts-out the subtle, underlying tensions in his or her home environment. But the truth is, you have both survived abandonment wounds during childhood, and you're attracted to chaos, pain and struggle because of those.

This means, you learned how to act and respond perfectly in childhood, to get the kind of attention you needed, in order to feel okay or good about yourself--and this became the foundation of your self-worth. Carl Jung noted psychiatrist referred to these natural and darker aspects in all humans, as The Shadow Self.

Quite simply, this Shadow part of us houses our darker facets and feelings, like envy, rage, hatred, jealousy, sadness, etc. Unfortunately, you've unwittingly selected a perfect counterpart in this Borderline, to hold and express these feelings for you. In truth, if you cannot allow yourself any vulnerability, you may be drawn to a BPD Waif. If you had to be the "perfect child," you could be attracted to someone with larcenous traits, like the BPD Witch.

If you've been taught to be humble and self-effacing, the BPD Queen's imperious nature would fascinate you. Your open, gregarious personality could be constrained or tempered by the Hermit Borderline. In short, you're looking for a sense of balance that's been missing within yourself. I once had a client who was the epitome of responsibility. She'd gotten good grades in school, had entered a solid profession, and always did everything she thought she was 'supposed' to. This woman consistently chose abusers and losers who were broke, cheated on her, and left her in serious debt.

At the end of every destructive affair, she swore she'd "never go there again," but as soon as she'd begin to recover financially and emotionally from the last involvement, the next guy chosen was literally a carbon copy of the one before!

Her lovers' traits were the antithesis of her perfect, "good girl" image, and she was addicted to pain. The Borderline may act-out in ways we'd never consider behaving ourselves! The 'good' parts of the Borderline are the ones you can identify with and relate to--the 'bad' parts, are the ones you keep trying to abolish from their personality, as persistently as you have amputated them from your own.

This effort is futile, and you're wasting your energy. Your challenge is invigorating, because it feeds your narcissism; you actually believe that you can fix someone else, like you've fixed yours, to be accepted or feel a sense of belonging.

Your obsession to repair this lover, is directly associated with cravings during childhood for affection and positive mirroring from your parents. If you're willing to embrace the darker aspects in another, and love them in spite of those--why won't you do the same for yourself? You'll also begin letting go of your passive aggression. In reality, a Borderline is primarily interested in obtaining narcissistic supply. This means, virtually anyone can become his or her next object of interest, to satisfy their ego needs.